Midnight Kisses Page 7
She turned the shower on full blast, allowing the water to feel like needle pricks on her body. She welcomed the harshness, and it soothed her. It was something she needed. And then it happened, the unexpected.
She started to cry. Fast-flowing, uncontrollable tears that she wasn’t even sure had a reason to appear. Maybe she could no longer deny the loneliness that defined her existence. Maybe Daniel’s entrance into her life had only made her aware of all that was missing. Maybe it was those feelings she thought she had buried since her abrupt return to singlehood several years ago.
For so long she had not wanted a man, but Daniel Buchanan had changed that. He affected her in ways she could not understand.
Turning the water off, she stepped out of the shower and headed back to the bedroom. She dried her skin quickly and changed the sheets on the bed. Daniel’s scent lingered everywhere.
Sighing in frustration, she walked to the closet, forcing his scent and image from her mind. She had to get a hold of herself. In a few hours she’d be at work, and she needed to be able to focus. Things were a lot more hectic during the day shift.
She perused the closet, searching for the perfect outfit for the day. She chose red, a color she didn’t often wear, but red seem to fit the mood she was in. She had no intention of sulking because he’d disappeared without a word.
Daniel Buchanan was in for a big surprise. He made a mistake by messing with Renée Walker.
Chapter 7
The days passed and Daniel didn’t call. She waited each night for the phone to ring, but it didn’t happen. She’d gone through the entire range of emotions possible, but today, Sunday morning, she had reached a state of resignation.
He’d not been to the hospital and Jamie had asked for him on more than one occasion. By the end of the week, Jamie, too, had reached indifference. Renée could see it each time she visited the teenager.
What hurt most was that she’d given herself to him without reservations and he had, in a very callous, unfeeling way, rejected her.
Ironically, even though she’d being trying to talk herself out of a relationship, she still wanted him. She knew Daniel had to be dealing with issues about his wife or work, but it did not lessen the hurt she was feeling. They needed to talk. Maybe, just maybe, they’d rushed into the lovemaking too soon.
She couldn’t wait any longer. She needed to talk to him. She searched for her cell phone and quickly found his number, but again, the only response she got was his deep baritone over the voice mail.
At that moment, she made up her mind. She wasn’t going to call him again. If they were going to talk, he’d have to do the calling. She’d left enough messages and was beginning to sound like the whining, dumped girlfriend. And she was not that kind of woman.
She was concerned about him. She couldn’t help the hurt or pain that burned inside at the thought of his suffering. He’d lost everything that was important to him.
The ding of the toaster oven drew her from her thought. Good. She’d eat breakfast and face the day head on. If Daniel decided to call her, then that was his choice. If he didn’t that, too, was his choice.
Life was all about choices. She, too, had a choice, and she had all intentions of fulfilling her promise. What she needed to do was make sure that she protected her heart and not lose it again. She’d done the love thing already and didn’t want to go there once more. She had to put things in perspective and make sure that she remained in control. That was the word: control.
She’d always prided herself on her ability to be in control of any situation; something that worked well for her in her job. But when she loved, she knew she loved deeply, very deeply.
The phone rang and she jumped, almost screaming out. She glanced at the display before she answered it: the hospital. She picked the phone up.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Renée, it’s Cheryl. Sorry to disturb you on your off day. But I needed to talk to you about something important.
With relief, Renée settled down. “Cheryl, you know it’s not a problem.”
“I knew you’d say that. It’s about Jamie. She’s asking to be released, but I know you wanted to talk to her before she left. I can hold her for another twenty-four hours but that’s all.”
“I plan on calling Gloria today to find out if she has room for one more. Of course, we’ll have to find out if Jamie is willing to go,” Renée assured her.
“I could talk to her since that’s where I grew up. If not for Gloria taking me in as a foster child, I may have ended up on the streets, too. She took care of me for five years. I owe her my life.”
“I’ll call Gloria and let her know. I’ll come see Jamie as soon as I get there tomorrow morning,” Renée added.
“I hope you’re enjoying your day off. Don’t forget we’re meeting tomorrow night for drinks.”
“Of course, I haven’t forgotten. Are Paula and Denise coming?”
“Yeah, Denise is back from the cruise and raving about it. She said she hasn’t heard from you. You haven’t returned any of her calls.”
“I know she called, but I haven’t actually checked my messages in days,” Renée replied.
“I know you and those messages. I’m tired of telling you, you need to return your calls.”
“I promise I’ll check them as soon as I put the phone down. And I’ll give Denise a call.”
“Good, and I’ll see you tomorrow night.”
“Definitely.”
Renée put the phone down. She really needed to do better. She often got so busy she forgot all about her friends. No wonder she always felt lonely. It was these same friends who’d been there for her when she’d found herself jilted. Maybe spending more time with her friends would keep her mind off of Daniel.
But she couldn’t help but worry about what had become of him. He’d just disappeared off the face of the earth. She hoped it had nothing to do with what had happened between them.
She picked up the phone and dialed Denise’s number. Denise’s cheerful voice came on the line. Good, for a few moments, she could forget about Daniel Buchanan.
Daniel instinctively knew that the caller was Renée. The day after he’d spent the night at Renée’s, he’d called his boss and told him he needed some personal time. Fortunately, he had a few weeks of vacation time saved up. He’d packed a bag with a few shirts, a couple of pants and some underwear, and got in his car and drove to New York. He’d stayed at a hotel in Manhattan, taken in a few shows, and spent the rest of his time watching television, reading, sleeping and eating.
Of course, he’d also spent some of the time thinking. Actually it was more like he had spent most of the time thinking about his life…and about her.
He had not been able to get her off his mind.
But now, after what he’d done to Renée, that unforgiving individual he had once been had resurfaced, and the cruelty of what he’d done ripped at his stomach.
Tonight, he would call her. No, he would go over to her apartment and tell her the whole story. He owed her that much. Maybe she would be willing to forgive him if she realized that he was being man enough to say he was sorry.
He picked up the phone and called the florist whose shop was just up the road.
A single rose and a note…Forgive me. Hopefully, he was doing enough.
Inside his mind was in turmoil, but there were things he had to exorcise if he was going to be happy.
He knew now that in order to be happy he would have to reveal his very soul.
Chapter 8
Forgive me.
The words were simple and clear. She was still upset that he had totally ignored her for the past week, but this single rose seemed to be working its charm. Or should she say, he was working his charm.
She couldn’t believe she had fallen so easily for what he’d offered. She had exposed herself and knowing what happened between them had been more than just sex only made her feel more exposed.
Why did Daniel have to come into her lif
e at this time? She had been slowly, very slowly, building up to the kind of life she wanted.
She was happy with her job. She had great friends. Okay, she didn’t spend as much time with them as she should, or could, but they were great friends. And she had a home.
She had fallen in love with the apartment from the moment she’d seen it and had given the agent the sale immediately. She’d spend her first month there furnishing it and since then had added her own personal touches with a flair she didn’t realize she had.
The rooms, painted in a bone white and trimmed with leather brown, were spacious and roomy. Afro-American and Caribbean art she purchased hung from every wall, adding vibrant color to the spare palette. The furniture, all mahogany, was modern and classy.
She smiled, experiencing a surge of pride at what she’d accomplished. She’d created a place of her own. She’d created a home.
Forgive me.
She glanced at the note again.
She hadn’t expected it. She expected him to wallow in his self-pity again, and not come back up for air. Maybe this was another indication that he was on his way to healing. Maybe she needed to be around.
She didn’t think she’d ever stop being amazed that he was a minister. He oozed sex appeal and his body was that of an African warrior…firm and strong. Her body still ached for him and often, at night, alone and cold, she’d brought thoughts of him into her bed and welcomed him with a fervor that almost felt real. His musky scent with a hint of his woodsy cologne still lingered.
What was she going to do?
There was a knock on her door. She wondered who it was? Cheryl would usually call. Denise? No, she was at work.
She headed for the door and peered through the peephole.
Daniel.
She breathed deeply and then opened the door.
Her next thought was how fine he looked. Then an image of him naked and sweaty flashed in her mind. She realized that her resolution not to call him would be harder than she expected.
“How can I help you?” she said coldly.
He took a step backward before he said, “I believe I deserve that.”
“You deserve that and more,” she replied. She folded her arms across her chest and glared at him.
“I need to speak with you.”
“I’m busy right now.”
“It doesn’t have to be now. Whenever you’re available.”
When she hesitated, he continued. “I know I’m the last person you want to talk to right now, but we need to talk.”
“Since it’s so important to you, I suppose I can spare a few minutes now,” she said begrudgingly and stepped aside, confirmation that he could enter.
He walked into the room and she could tell he was uncomfortable. She closed the door and followed him inside. When he turned, he smiled shyly and her heart melted. Her anger shattered into tiny fragments. She couldn’t help but return the smile. She could tell it had taken all of his courage to come there tonight. She willed the social worker inside her to surface.
She indicated the couch and, when he sat, moved to the chair adjacent to where he was sitting. For a moment there was silence and then he spoke.
“I was in New York.”
She didn’t respond. She’d give him time to say what he wanted.
“I’m sorry. I know it’s almost midnight, but I wanted to talk to you before I went home. I’m not sure how to say what I have to say, so maybe, it’s best to begin at the beginning.”
“That’s fine,” she responded.
“Three years ago, my wife and daughter died in a car accident. I was at home working on my sermon. I was supposed to go to the store. I didn’t and my wife went instead. A drunk driver slammed into the car. They both died instantly.” His voice was low, dull, as if he were trying to keep his emotions under control. She ached to take him in her arms but she knew he needed to talk.
“I died along with them that night. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t talk to God. Everything I’d worked so hard to establish just seemed like a joke. I’d dedicated most of my life to people and this was what God had done to me. Can you imagine putting your wife and your child into the ground at the same time? Sometimes at night, I still see that small, white coffin, and I get so angry.”
“So you blamed God,” she said.
“Yes, a part of me did. And a part of me blamed myself. But I thought that God would have made an exception for me. He didn’t.”
“I’m sure He understood your anger at the time,” she said, her tone reassuring him.
“Yes, I’m sure He did,” he said with resignation. “But I couldn’t deal with it. So I just packed my bags and left. I just wanted to get away from everything. My home, my family… I couldn’t bear how they looked at me; as if I were some pathetic fool.”
“I’m sure they were just concerned.”
“I know, but at the time, I felt like I hated everyone. I’d already lost a brother, and then my father. I couldn’t deal with it, so I lashed out at God. It was the easiest thing to do.”
“So what did you do?” she asked gently.
“That’s when I left. I just left everything behind and haven’t looked back since.”
“So you’ve had no contact with your family whatsoever?”
He hung his head. “No, I haven’t spoken to anyone in the past three years. I just couldn’t deal with family or friends. Every day I miss them, but I’m still not sure I’m ready to go back.”
“But that’s what family is there for. To help you during these times.”
“You didn’t know the Daniel I was back then. I will be the first to admit that I’ve changed drastically. I fooled people, had them eating out of my hand. I was quick to condemn those that did wrong and the congregation loved it. I was even quick to condemn my brother Corey because he was gay. And even more so when he committed suicide.” He paused for a moment. She saw the glistening of tears in his eyes. He wiped them away, bringing himself under control.
“But I was filled with pride. I loved the power that I had. There was a part of me that felt as if I were a god. So when my wife and daughter died, I felt powerless. I didn’t want God in my life anymore. But I’ve resolved my conflict with Him. I let Him stay where He is and He leaves me alone.”
“That seems a bit extreme,” she responded and then immediately regretted her words. She saw the veil that hid his thoughts and emotions.
For a while, there was silence, but then he spoke again. “That’s why I went to New York. I had to get away. I couldn’t deal with my feelings for you. But while I was there, I realized that I always do that. I run away from things I don’t want to handle. I’ve always taken the easy way out.”
“But you came back.” She pulled her chair closer to his and reached out to hold his hands.
“I’m sorry about your wife and daughter. I deal with death daily at the hospital, but it’s still hard for me to understand you leaving your family.”
“I’ve had to deal with many deaths in my family in recent years. My brother Corey, my dad, and then Lorraine and Chelsea. Death hasn’t been easy on my family.”
“But you’re still alive. You have other brothers?”
“Yeah, three.”
“Three?” she echoed.
“Patrick, Taurean and Mason. Corey, my youngest, died several years ago.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“It’s fine. It’s a long time ago. The good memories are there. Corey was special. It took me a long time to realize that.” His voice cracked, thick with emotion.
He reached for her, coaxing her to sit next to him on the couch.
“Now I’ve definitely talked a bit too much about me. I’d like to hear some more about you. What made you the strong, confident woman you are.”
“I like it better when you were doing all the talking,” Renée said with a tender smile.
He gave a short laugh. “I know, but all that emotional chitchat has left me drained.”
“That would be a great idea. She needs to have some sense of family. Most of these runaways are kids who just want to be loved.”
“Well, Gloria has lots of that to give. She was there to help me when I almost got married a few years ago and my groom never turned up at the church. My mother did warn me about him, but I didn’t listen.”
After a moment of quiet, he spoke. “Seems that both of us have had our share of heartache.”
“Yeah, I’m sure we all have to deal with something drastic in our lives.” She paused and then continued. “I know I shouldn’t ask this, but are you planning to connect with your family?”
Daniel was silent for a while. “To be honest, I’m not sure. They’ve probably all moved on with their lives. Patrick and Taurean are married. And my other brother Mason got married a few weeks after my wife and daughter died.”
“They must be worried about you.”
“I’m sure they aren’t. My brothers may love me, but they merely tolerated me when I was at home. When my brother Taurean went to prison, I refused to go see him. When he came out and visited us, he forgave me without hesitation. He’s one of the most noble people I know. Me? I’m just a reject that God threw out. I was full of pride and self-righteousness. They’re better off without me.”
“I’m sure they don’t feel that way, not if they really love you.”
He hesitated before he responded. “Maybe what you say is true. But I’m not ready to deal with them yet.”
“Well, you can’t run away from them forever,” Renée added before Daniel became silent.
“I think it’s about time I go,” he said finally. “I have work early in the morning. I’ll think about what you said,” he replied sincerely.